I hate to brag, but my mother had a cat named Oscar that had the biggest cat rectum you ever saw. Okay, I have no idea how big a cat rectum you’ve personally ever seen. Maybe you go around measuring cat rectums as a hobby and you’ve seen plenty of industrial-sized ones. How should I know? But, if you ever saw Oscar’s you’d have to admit it was one seriously big cat rectum.
Everyone who saw Oscar noticed that rectum. How could they not? For one thing, it approached the size of a quarter. For another, Oscar was forever traipsing around the house with his tail straight up in the air showing it off. It was like he was proud of it or something. He certainly never missed an opportunity to let everyone within eyeshot get a good, long look at it. Company would be over. We would be drinking coffee at the kitchen table and in Oscar would walk – tail at attention, gigantic, Jurassic-sized rectum on display for all to enjoy.
Every now and then, somebody would comment on the size of Oscar’s rectum. They usually started with something like, “I don’t want to sound weird or anything, but that cat has the biggest…” and so on and so forth.
Oscar was not always content to let you enjoy his rectum from afar. Many’s the time he would show up while you were lying in bed or lying on the couch. He’d climb on top of your chest and turn his backside to you so that his rectum was only a few inches from your nose. There, he would leave it, meowing occassionally until he determined you had a good long, look at it, then he’d curl up and fall asleep.
Always thinking of others, was Oscar.
I am fairly certain the Guiness people don’t keep records for largest cat rectums. My guess is Oscar wouldn’t make the cut even if they did. After all, the fattest domestic cat ever recorded weighed nearly fifty pounds. We’re probably talking a fifty-cent-piece-sized rectum. Oscar weighed probably twenty-five pounds at his heaviest, which was just before he passed on to that great, big litterbox in the sky.
Still, it was an impressive feat for an ordinary house cat with no aspirations other than to live a life of quiet contemplation. As they say, some cats seek greatness while other cats have greatness thrust upon them.
Oscar was the ‘thrust upon them’ type.
I think of him every time I see a quarter.