Forget relativity. Einstein’s greatest accomplishment was pausing his philandering long enough to figure out how the Universe worked.

He was quite the hit with the ladies. He might not have been able to operate a hair comb with any proficiency, but when it came to beguiling starry-eyed co-eds, Old Albert was light-years ahead of his contemporaries.

I would have loved to hear his pickup lines, but, alas, they have been lost to posterity. I can only imagine.

1. A young, brash Albert approaching a female physicist in a bar. He’s had a few too many.

Albert: “You’ve heard of quantum entanglement, haven’t you, Mena?”

Mena (Slightly perplexed): “Of course I have, Albert.”

Albert: “Then what say you and me go back to my place and get entangled.”

2. An even younger Albert phoning up a classmate.

Greta (Answering the phone): “Hello?”

Albert: “Hey, Greta. It’s Albert, Albert Einstein from Advanced Calculus. If you’re not too busy Saturday night, I was wondering if you’d be interested in an evening of wine, dancing and perhaps a bit of field research in the practical application of angular momentum.”

Greta: “Sounds delightful, Albert. Can you pick me up at eight?”

Albert: “Actually, time being what it is, that depends on a lot of relativistic factors.”

3. An older Albert speaking to a naive co-ed half his age.

Albert: “If you don’t mind me saying, Inga, I can’t help but notice how the photon particles streaming in distinct packets (or quanta) through the window has collided with your hair and as a result changed the propagation direction of said photons without degrading their energy content which really brings out your highlights.”

Inga (flattered): “Well, I have been using a new shampoo.”

Einstein (a glint in his eye) “Tell me this, Inga. Are you familiar with the concept of quantum entanglement?”

Perhaps his best pick up lines he saved for his math assistant, Mileva. They met in physics classes. She was a constant distraction to him, the pert and young Mileva. There is no telling how many major discoveries were lost to her habit of wearing that form fitting yellow sundress to the lab every day despite it being a bit chilly out.

Rather than focusing on math, it turned out Albert and Mileva should have taken a few classes in biology and the consequences thereof.

The baby was born, a little girl. What became of her has been lost to history. What we do know is Einstein married Mileva. No longer a bachelor, he immediately got down to the business of not giving a hoot. A’philandering he did go and he did it on a scale that made the radiant energy of the gaseous accretion disc circling a quasar look like a birthday candle (if you know what I mean).

He and Mileva eventually divorced. A lot of it had to do with a contract he wrote up and presented to her after seventeen years of marriage. Basically, the contract said she handled all the cooking and cleaning while he handled all the philandering. The crazy thing is, she signed it. Six weeks later, perhaps after a lawyer reviewed the contract and explained it to her, she took the kids and moved away.

Albert moved on, too. He married his cousin, Elsa Einstein. It turned out he had been having an affair with Elsa for years. No kidding. He actually confided to a friend that he began then kept up the affair because, as a family member, she was “convenient.” I’m just glad he didn’t have a sister.

Fun fact: He almost didn’t marry Elsa, because he got cold feet. And, by “cold feet,” I mean he wanted to marry her sixteen-year-old daughter, his niece. When the neice shot him down, he did the math (rim shot) and figured it was best to fall back on Plan A. Vis-a-vis, he went ahead with the marriage to Elsa. The crazy thing is she still said ‘Yes,’ but let’s face it, she wasn’t exactly the smart one of the two. They stayed together until he died. She was perfectly okay with his philandering.

Einstein may have been king of the high-IQ horndog club, but honorable mention has to go to his contemporary Irwin Schrodinger of “Schrodinger’s Cat” fame. Between calculating the wave function equation, which pretty much changed the world, and imagining cats in boxes, Irwin was an early yet little known pioneer of string theory. He postulated that if he could string along two women at the same time, he could theoretically impregnate two women at the same time. After a great deal of experimentation, he proved his theory. He then pioneered the Schrodinger’s One Mother-in-Law Threshold Law, by only marrying one of them.

With two wives and two kids, young Irwin had a heck of a time making ends meet. As good at physicist as he was, it seems University folks that did the hiring were more concerned with his lifestyle than his mind.

Rumor had it he even offered a few of them some of Albert Einstein’s most productive pick up lines, but there were no takers.

Then, of course, there was Richard Feynman, a modern pioneer in many things quantum such as quantum electrodynamics, the atomic bomb and the concepts of nanotechnology and quantum computing. He was an unapologetic horndog who focused as much attention on his female college students as he did physics. He actually devoted a whole chapter of his biography to how he seduced women and the resulting adventures thereof.

He ironically enough won the Albert Einstein Award in 1954.

Hey, birds of a feather.