Guess what? Some guy figured out the Bigfoots are talking to each other.

His name is Scott Nelson. He is a retired cryptologic linguist, which is a real military job. Basically, a cryptologic linguist is an expert at analyzing foreign communications. Let’s face it, communications don’t get any more foreign than Bigfoot speak.

Nelson admits he doesn’t have a clue what they are actually saying, but talking they definitely are. Not only that, but they use a complex language to communicate.

Nelson uses a complex language to communicate, too. Talk about big words and impressive sounding terms. For instance, he does not say they are speaking in “sentences.” He says they are using “morpheme streams.” They are not using “words,” either, but “phonemes.” It isn’t how fast they talk, but their “prosody of deliverance.” And they don’t end their morpheme streams on a different note. They end them using a “terminal expression.”

Whether he knows what he is talking about or not I can’t say, but he sure sounds like he does.

He uses a couple of tape recordings called “The Sierra Sounds” as Exhibit A for proof of his findings.

I didn’t know what The Sierra Sounds were, so I Googled them. Apparently, back in 1972 and 1974 a couple of guys in a remote hunting camp in the Sierra Nevada mountains tape recorded what they claim are a bunch of Bigfoots yakking it up. Nobody in the language interpretation game paid the tapes any attention. Fast forward a few decades and along comes Scott Nelson.

Nelson emphasizes he is not a “Bigfoot guy.” He first heard the Sierra Sounds when his ten-year-old boy played them for him as part of a grade school assignment. It instantly brought out the cryptologic linguist in him. According to Nelson two things are abundantly clear about the recordings: Something is speaking a real language on them and humans couldn’t speak it. He also says the speakers are a mother, father and juvenile.

Now he lectures at Bigfoot conventions and has a couple of YouTube videos on the subject. I watched the YouTube videos.

Throughout the video, Nelson plays sections of the 1972 recording then provides his detailed analysis of the sound bite. I don’t know how to describe the sounds other than to say it makes me wonder which end of the Sasquatch they came from. Nelson slows the recording down at points, because, as he explains, the Bigfoot crowd speaks a lot faster than we humans do. He also points out that they “speak on the pant.”

I didn’t know what that meant, either, until he explained that “speaking on the pant” means they form their words when inhaling instead of exhaling. You know those crazy, whacky Bigfoots; always refusing to vocalize like virtually every other critter on the planet. They have to inhale when they do it.

One thing I really enjoy is when Nelson imitates the Bigfoot. It sounds like he is either really speaking Bigfoot or he is trying to dislodge a chunk of Kung Pow Chicken from his larynx.

I feel kind of bad about it, but I laugh every time I hear him imitate a Bigfoot. My wife, Marianne is not so charitable. She howls like a loon.

As an owner of a small farm I get and earful of critters talking to one another all day. After a while, I have developed a sort of Doctor Doolittle sixth sense about what critters are saying. After listening to the Sierra Sounds this is my interpretation of what the Mom, Pop and Kid Bigfoot are saying:

Kid: “Acorns and berries again! We had acorns and berries last night! I am sick of acorns and berries every day! Why can’t Dad chase us down a deer?”

Dad: “You know I stepped on a thorn and hurt my foot.”

Mom: “Well, if one of us got around to inventing the spear, maybe he wouldn’t have to chase down deer. Or sandals. We’re smart enough to talk using complex morpheme streams, but we can’t come up with sandals? What kind of sense does that make?”

Dad: “About as much sense as the fact we can recognize trail cameras for what they are and avoid them, but we can’t build a shelter that isn’t much more than a bunch of sticks leaned against each other. How is a bunch of stupid sticks leaning against each other supposed to keep the wind out?”

Mom: “Well maybe we wouldn’t have to keep the wind out if someone spent a little less time gallivanting around the countryside trying to make hikers soil themselves and maybe stayed home and took a crack at harnessing fire.”

Dad: “Here we go again with the fire thing again. Fire. Fire. Fire. That’s all I ever hear. Don’t you know another phoneme to talk about?”

Mom: “I should have pair bonded with that nice ape from Nova Scotia like my mother wanted.”

Dad: “Oh yeah? Well, tell your mother I said…”

Kid: “I hate my parents.”

So, there you have it. That’s what the Bigfoots are saying.

I expect a couple of morpheme streams of thanks from Scott Nelson any day.