Like most Americans in these troubled times, my family and I devote ourselves to God, Country and the state of Bigfoot’s genitals. More to the point, his lack thereof.

Bigfoot is the Ken Doll of primates. I’ve seen a whole bunch of pictures of Bigfoot. All of them are G-Rated. Not a single image shows his privates (fortunately).

Okay. I get it. A lot of the pictures are blurry or taken at a distance. I’ll give you that. You aren’t exactly focused on Bigfoot’s nether regions when you are recording him. I’ll give you that, too. But you’d think, sooner or later, after all the pictures all these years – you’d think at least one person would get a picture of “Big Jim and the twins” (as the saying goes).

I can understand not seeing the Loch Ness monster’s privates. They are under water. Ghosts wear clothes. Aliens apparently have no privates, at least the guys with the football shaped eyes don’t. But, despite the fact Bigfoot is standing upright in broad daylight most of the time he’s spotted, out of the zillions of pictures taken from all angles there’s nary a private in sight.

Strange, ain’t it?

Eye witnesses never mention them either? You’d think by now someone would say something along the lines of, “You think his feet are big!” Or even, “I had to cover Wanda’s eyes. Has that man-monkey no decency?” Or “I finally shouted, ‘Hey! Get a fig leaf fellah!'”

Just once you’d think someone would spot him peeing behind a tree. But no one ever does. The same eye witness that can describe every physical feature of Bigfoot almost as if he was their next door neighbor never mentions anything below the navel except for his feet.

Before you say it, I agree you can’t tell boy bears from girl bears in most pictures. That’s because bears don’t have much down there to begin with and what they do have is partially retractable. Same with gorillas, but if a male gorilla stands up you can easily see where baby gorillas come from. Just Google it.

Its interesting, too, that so few female Bigfoots are spotted. ‘Interesting,’ because the most famous Bigfoot film ever, the Patterson film taken in the late 60’s, shows a female Bigfoot (or Bigfoot-Ette as the case may be). It shows a Bigfoot walking along a creek. The creature turns to look at the cameraman and there they are. I don’t know bra sizes, but it looks to me like they’d have to add a letter or two to the bra-size alphabet to accommodate the Bigfoot-Ette in the film.

You would think people would report more female Bigfoots than male. In most primate societies there are more gals than guys. A lot more. Plus, if the Patterson Bigfoot-Ette is any indication, you should be able to tell its a female from a loooong way off.

Hardly anyone ever reports them, though. The female Bigfoot may explain another mystery involving the mythical ape.

A lot of Bigfoot believers theorize Bigfoot is reason a bunch of the hikers go missing in National Parks each year. There’s any number of documentaries and podcasts on the subject. Many scoff at the idea, but, if you think about it, a female bigfoot makes sense.

Imagine a couple of hikers have just witnessed a Bigfoot crossing a trail in front of them.

Bob turns to Dave.

“Did you see the size of that thing?” Bob shouts in his excitement.

“It was huge!” Dave shouts back. “It’s butt alone must have been this wide”

He holds his hands about four feet apart.

“No way!” Bob shouts back, grinning stupidly. He stretches his arms as wide as they will go. “That butt was this wide if it was an inch.”

A loud, part-human growl issues from the surrounding woods.

Next day’s headlines: Two Washington Area Hikers Go Missing.

If she is a half-human female, I’m not so sure I’d go spouting off about how big her feet are, either.

“Was that thing a female?” Bob asks, breathless with excitement.

“I believe it was,” Dave says.

“Those tracks,” says Bob. “They’ve got to be fifteen inches long!”

“No! No! Bob,” Dave, who is married and swifter on the uptake than Bob, shouts, while frantically looking around. “Those are definitely NOT fifteen inch tracks! Nowhere near! I’d say twelve max!”

“Really?” Bob says, loudly. “They look fifteen to me, if they’re an inch. Maybe sixteen!”

A few yards away some bushes shake…

“@!%#!,” says Dave.

Next day’s headline: Two Washington Area Hikers Go Missing