While being chased by a Chupacabra that had been startled by the Loch Ness Monster, I was abducted by a UFO piloted by the ghost of Bigfoot.

I am by no means making up these claims because I just watched a documentary about frauds in the paranormal community and what enormous amounts of money they make. The demon who visits me on a regular basis would probably try to tempt me to do it, but I will not succumb to greed. If you don’t believe me, just ask the Angel who appears to me on Sundays.

I wouldn’t even remotely consider making a lot of cash by lying about my true-life paranormal encounters that none of you can prove didn’t really happen.

Sure the stories are exciting. Sure they are titillating. Sure I am proud that a spelled ‘titillating’ correctly on the first try without a spell-checker. But I wouldn’t compromise my integrity by making up a bunch of nonsense about my true-life other worldly experiences that any film maker would absolutely kill to put in their documentary.

In fact, I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t mail me any lucrative contracts to tell my stories. I will just ignore them.

Why, just the other day I was channeling one my many former lives (a man from ancient Persia who was an advisor to the sultan and has much sage advice for the people of today that is guaranteed to make you happier, wealthy beyond your wildest dreams and a magnet to the opposite sex) and he said, “A man who compromises his integrity for profit should at least invest his money in these no miss stocks that I guarantee will make the investor a millionaire.”

Too bad he can’t give you the name of those stocks and the secrets the wealthy and successful don’t want you to know, but, channeling costs being what they are, we would have to charge a fee to be advised by him and I wouldn’t feel right about that. Sure, a mere three hundred bucks would net you three hundred thousand or more, but it is the principle of the thing. Besides, there are too many fraudsters making up stuff like this nowadays. They bring suspicion down on us real guys.

Can you imagine that? Defrauding the public regarding a paranormal experience? Outright lying? And for what?

Money?

Lots of money?

A really big whopping pile of money?

How much money, you ask?

One guy in the documentary, who insists he really was chased by bigfoot, says he was approached by several of the leading names in the Bigfoot community and informed he could make fifty or sixty thousand dollars by shopping his story around to news agencies and documentary makers. They even offered to help him out – no doubt out of the goodness of their hearts.
Apparently, Travis Walton, who says he was abducted by aliens, made zillions from his ‘true-life’ alien abduction experience via a movie deal and any number of documentary appearances.

Disgusting.

It makes all us true-life alien abductees sick just thinking about it.

Well, if you are waiting for me to cash in on my absolutely true-life, super-exciting paranormal experiences, you’ll be waiting for a long, long time. That’s because I am a man of morals who is immune to temptation. Also, I sipped a few swallows of an ancient Peruvian miracle juice that extends a persons life for up to three hundred years.

I’ve kept my encounters with the paranormal a secret all these years for fear of being hounded by news agencies, documentary makers and Hollywood moguls who would undoubtedly go out of their collective minds to get their hands on stories like mine. Tempting though the idea of making piles of cash is, I refuse to sell my soul for the love of money.

Make all the offers you want. My resolve is like iron. I will stay strong.

It is one of my sixteen personalities, Greedy Dave, I worry about.