I just watched President Trump’s latest corona virus press conference and I could have sworn I heard him say you are not to leave your house under any circumstances unless you are a fisherman like me and Wal-Mart is selling Strike King Buzz Baits for less than three dollars apiece. I also recall him advising fisherman to rush down to Wal-Mart immediately and buy as many Strike King Buzz Baits as you can before some insensitive jerk who cares more about fishing than preventing the spread of the corona virus comes along and buys them out.

My wife says she doesn’t recall any mention by the President regarding Wal-Mart or Strike King Buzz Baits, but this comes from a person who does not routinely keep up with politics. She is also the same person who blames me for spending too much on fishing gear when it is clearly her fault for leaving me unsupervised in the sporting goods section of big box stores. It is sad to think how many so-called “adults” in this world refuse to take responsibility for their actions.

In a flagrant show of unpatriotic behavior, she told me in no uncertain terms I was not to follow the President’s advice. That leaves me stuck at home while any number of undeserving miscreants descend on the Wal-Mart fishing section and buy everything up.

I can’t help but notice the media, in an effort to prevent a panic, only mentions stores running out of food and toilet paper and other non-essentials, while conveniently making no mention of the current plastic fishing worm deficit caused by manufacturing facilities shutting down. How are we to catch pre-spawn bass without an adequate supply of plastic worms, I ask you? Don’t even get me started on the plunge in the Smithwick Devil Horse counts or the how it is impossible to locate an adequate supply of Whopper Plopper top water lures. It is too unbearable to even think about.

All this comes on the heels of the governor of South Carolina passing an edict that closes every boat landing in the state. In a flagrant show of governmental misconduct, he enacted this law without first considering whether or not the stripers were schooling in the rivers and lakes. Don’t even get me started on the fact the flat head catfish bite was picking up. And to think, I voted for him.

I own a small pond, so I am able to feed my fishing addiction. Many of my friends aren’t so lucky. I can already see signs of withdrawal – quivering lips; spontaneous bouts of crying. Some are getting desperate. I hear rumors of them planning to lay siege to area boat landings. Their war cry will be: “No flatheads! No stripers! No peace!”