Let’s face it, bank robber fashions have stagnated over the past several years and it appears they will not be getting better any time soon.

You can tell by the stricken look on their faces that bank robbery victims everywhere are as tired as I am of the same old drab, dark colored ski mask and black jacket combination still favored by so many felons today. If you are going to wave a gun in my face and threaten my life is it too much to ask that you at least do it wearing a more festively colored ensemble?

Don’t even get me started on the overdone baseball cap\sunglasses combination look that more and more bank robbers are opting for these days. Not only is this vanilla, “same old, same old” style uninspired and just plain boring, anyone who thinks a pair of glasses will maintain your secret identity has read too many Superman comics.

You deserve to go to jail.

Nothing beats the tried and true ski mask for hiding a bank robber’s identity, but nothing says you have to be boring about it. A brightly colored ski mask, say something in a playful spring motif, doesn’t cost any more than a dark, mono-color ski mask and adds greatly to the bank robbery experience for robber and victim alike. Such a mask conveys to your victim that, ‘Hey I might be a wanton criminal who’d shoot you as soon as look at you, but I still know how to keep things light and lively.’

My wife worked at a small bank that was robbed twice. To this day, she has virtually nothing complimentary to say about either robber. It may seem harsh and judgmental on her part, but who can blame her?

One miscreant didn’t even bother to hide his face. Going bank robber commando shows contempt for those you rob and it is a poke in the eye to your fellow felons – most of who put at least a modicum of time and effort into their outfit.    

We can only hope police brutality was used in his apprehension.

To his credit, the other robber had at least fashioned some kind of facial cover out of a gauzy, breathable piece of see-through cloth. Unfortunately, whatever points he won for his innovation was sullied by his choice of color. You guessed it – black. As if this weren’t uninspired enough, he completed the ensemble with a standard-issue whitish grey hoodie – one that you can pull off the rack at any Walmart and a pair of cheap, black Rayban knockoffs.

It appears fewer and fewer bank robbers are using weapons these days, which I think we can all agree is a shame. A jauntily accented revolver can, with the right fashion combination, pull together an otherwise mundane run of the mill ensemble. It costs next to nothing for the considerate bank robber to add a few strokes of paint or perhaps even a ribbon or two along the barrel of his revolver. If you are going to level the business end of a pistol between the eyes of a cringing bank teller, you should at least provide her something more interesting to look at than a boring, gun metal grey muzzle.

I am happy to report that all is not bad news on the bank robber fashion front and it’s the girls leading the new fashion charge. The Pink Lady Bandit has been rocking the colorful hat look and her various tank tops, though perhaps a wee bit on the revealing side, is at least interesting and incorporates a casual, dressing down vibe that speaks to a bank robber that doesn’t take herself too seriously. One can only wonder how far she would have taken her pioneering trends had she not been caught and now shows up to most events in an uninspired orange jumpsuit.

The same question holds true for the Burka Bandit of Bedfordshire, UK. Granted, burkas are a bit on the misogynistic side and they are not for everyone, but the Burka Bandit made the look work by wrapping herself in interesting patterns and contemporary designs that elevated an otherwise hum drum look to something everyone in the bank robber community is no doubt talking about.

With the Pink Lady and the Burka Bandit being out of commission for years, we can only hope some new, intrepid felon wows the bank robbery fashion world with a new and interesting look. It is doubtful such a maverick innovator will come along any time soon, though. True visionaries are a rare breed and they are few are far between.

Until one does come along, I plan to avoid banks altogether. Instead, I’ll just keep my money hidden under my mattress.