Based on personal experience, I recommend using a wild turkey of seventeen pounds or more if you want to see your girlfriend naked.

Don’t let the so called “experts” tell you any different. Smaller turkeys, say in the twelve to fifteen pound range, often lack the flapping power to flush a naked girl out into the open. A little known added benefit to using the larger bird is there is also the chance you may get a two for one deal. By that, I mean you could possible see two naked girls rather than just the one.

That’s what happened to me and my best friend, Charles.

The naked girls we saw were our girlfriends at the time. Kim was Charles’ girlfriend. Marianne was mine. I say, ‘at the time,’ because they eventually became our wives, but back then, we had all just started dating.

Here’s how it happened:
Charles and I fished a sandbar on our local river just about every weekend. It never occured to us to bring girls along. Fishing was fishing. Girls were girls.

Our new girlfriends had other ideas. They would sunbathe on the sandbar, they told us, while we fished. As two christian young men, I can only assure you the fact that bikinis might be involved in no way factored into our decision to agree.

It was working itself out to be a great day on the sand bar. The girls were sunbathing. Charles and I were maintaining our tradition of not catching fish. Then the girls walked over to us and Marianne asked, “Is there a store around here?”

“What do you need?” I said. “We got a cooler full of stuff.”

“We have to go to the bathroom,” Kim said.

“Use the woods,” I said.

This did not compute. They just stared at me.

From behind me I heard Charles say, “The nearest store is three miles down the swamp road then another five or six down the highway.”

“How long would it take?” Marianne asked, still not computing.

We were not at the point in the relationship where I could have simply said, “You wanted to go fishing – you pee in the woods.”

Instead, I said, “Too long,” and added “Seriously, use the woods.”

“What about snakes?” Kim said.

“They use the woods all the time and it doesn’t bother them any.” I said. I grinned. They didn’t.

“You know what I mean,” Kim said. “There could be snakes in there.”

“Follow me,” I said. I led them into the tree line until I found a fairly open patch of ground.

“No snakes,” I told them. “Just holler when you’re done and one of us will come get you.”

“Don’t look,” Marianne warned me.

“Don’t worry, I said.

With that, I made my way back to the sand bar.

As I understand it, the girls were answering the call, when Kim spotted a pair of eyes staring at them from under a bush. She froze. The owner of the eyes made a noise of some type which caught Marianne’s attention. The two girls and the creature locked eyes for a few heartbeats – all three of them frozen with terror.

They didn’t stay frozen for long.

The creature bellowed a horrendous sound as it exploded out from under the bush. The girls did a bit of exploding themselves. They tore their way through the undergrowth, screaming as they went. They would have moved faster, only they took off without first pulling their bikini bottoms up. I doubt the Guiness people keep up with this type of thing, but, if there is a record for fastest vaulting crouched penguin walk, I promise you, those two girls set it that day.

Charles and I looked up just in time to see them burst out of the relatively thick cover where I left them into sunny little open spot of ground. For whatever reason they stopped there. They did not raise up, but sat their crouched down and breathing hard with their butts shining in the sun. They were completely unaware we could see them. The thought never crossed our minds to inform them otherwise.

“Dammit,” we heard Kim say, “I peed in my shoe.”

What the girls didn’t know was the creature was a hen turkey. A turkey tearing through brush is an insantely violent thing. A frightened turkey frantically flaps its wings and beats every stick of brush it passes by practically to pieces, all the while hollering to the top of its lungs. And, believe me, turkeys have some set of lungs.

We thought the girls would never invite themselves to go fishing with us again, but that was not the case. They did, but, when nature called, we made a long trip from the sandbar down a swamp road and then the main road to a gas station.

No one ever saw that turkey again. If we had, I would have thanked her.