I think I speak for a lot of people when I say to the bigfoot hunters out there that, by searching for something that doesn’t exist, you are making a fool of yourself and embarrassing us all in front of the aliens.

Of course, a lot of people say the aliens don’t exist, either. They also say ghosts don’t exist.

The naysayers want to see proof.

Where the alien and ghosts believers have it all over the bigfoot believers in the lack-of-proof-department is the alien and ghost crowd have some pretty good reasons for not being able to conclusively prove an alien or a ghost exist. Ghost are ethereal by nature. They pop in and pop out of existence on a whim. As often as not, they are invisible. How are you going to capture something like that and show people?

Aliens are technologically advanced compared to us mere humans. It will probably take the human race another thousand years to catch up with them on rectal probe technology alone, much less spaceship technology. We’ll never be able to catch them. Besides, every time one of them crashes their UFO, the government swoops in and takes everything away.

The bigfoot community doesn’t have any convenient excuses. They try, but their excuses fall flat in the face of the hard, cold reality that, after decades of searching for a nine foot monkey in the woods, they can’t find a nine foot monkey in the woods.

The most popular evidence bigfooters use as proof bigfoot is real is the 1967 Roger Patterson film: Check it out

I’ve heard one expert after another insist that this is an actual film of an actual bigfoot. They say no one could have faked a bigfoot costume of that sophistication in 1967, because the techology simply didn’t exist. Kinda ironic when you consider we had technology enough to put a man on the moon two years later in 1969, but we lacked the know how to make a convincing monkey suit. Of course, who am I to dispute one of the thousands of monkey-suit technology experts they no doubt consulted to come up with that conclusion?

I am not the brightest bulb in the pack and I have the grades to prove it, but I know what I see when I see it and what I see in the Patterson footage is a man in an ape suit.

Here’s how I can tell it is a suit:

If you look closely at the bigfoot’s leg, you’ll see an indentation that circles the thigh just below the crotch. That is either the bottom part of a pair of shorts the guy was wearing under the suit or some kind of strap around his thigh.

If you study things even closer, you’ll see what to me is clearly a prosthetic butt cheek. Check out the dark lines behind the behind.

I have another theory, too. It has to do with why the bigfoot in the film is female. If they faked a male, the old adage big hands, big feet, big … would have come in to play, which would have severely limited their ability to show the film on television back then. Better a pair of hairy mammaries bouncing around.

I am sure the bigfoot believers will point out all sorts of flaws in my theory, but no matter. At the end of the day, I am right. It is a man in a suit.

If you don’t believe me, just ask the aliens.